Isn’t it funny how someone can change your life? You never know just how much of a mark people can leave until they come flying into your life, rough you up a little and then, whether they stay or not, leave you questioning everything around yourself and their interaction. It’s even funnier when that person just happens to be your partner; or ex, so the case may be.
I must confess, I don’t do breakups very well. I’ve had two boyfriends in my life, just two, and the breakups were pretty messy. To this day I am still affected by them and their impacts on my life. They both taught me new things, they both introduced me to new people and they both pinned me down and submitted me to their world of interests… Something tells me you were worried where that sentence was going, but fret not I shall keep this clean.
But since breaking up with them back in 2014 and 2016 respectively, and yes I know it’s 2018 and to be harping on about this seems kinda sad but that’s me, and they have left an impression. So lets use this space and see what we can analyse from it, and see if maybe I can push through whatever it is that’s holding me back from whatever it is that I’m struggling to break through.
The boyfriend number 1
History – Ah yes, L. My first boyfriend who I met in the summer of 2012 after a hesitant first meeting. I bumbled off the train at Bristol Temple Meads where he picked me up and took us off to play minigolf, have lunch and watch a film. VERY 90s America cliché date. It was a lovely date. It was fun and I felt so relaxed and he was a perfect gentleman. Before long, we made it official and that was that. At the time I was studying in London, while he lived in Bristol. We made it work through weekend visits and Skype calls, but it just wasn’t enough. I missed him and wanted more time with him. So moved university and we moved in together. Yikes. But it was fine. We were fine. Life was fun. I had uni and a weekend job and he had his career. We enjoyed each others company and it worked wonders. Life was good.
Breaking point – In December 2013, after some heated tension and lack of emotion, I ended it. I loved him as a friend but I just couldn’t be there for him as anything else. I just didn’t feel anything more than like you would your best pal.
Impact – Urgh, this part. So I’ll keep it short. L got me very much interested in the Eurovision Song Contest and Star Trek. Oy vey. Now every year when I watch the spectacular, I think of him. And to be fair, we are still good friends to this day. Yes peeps, there is life after death. He tipsily mentioned his desire for the Czech entry and I can confirm it did make me blush. And yes, I’mma bit of a Trekkie. The amount of times I would go to uni and reference it for future developments in IT was kind of sad but it won me points in class for my open-minded approach to technology.
The Dark Side – Before you say it, that’s not me mixing my references. I know what Star Wars is, I’ve never seen it and never will. But yes, after the breakup, there was some darkness in my life. At the time of the breakup, I was still studying at university and in my final year. We agreed that it made sense that I would still live in the same apartment until the end of my degree. And I did. And a few months longer. But it turns out, living with your ex just isn’t healthy. Shocking. You see, the February after we broke up, he began seeing someone new. I, at this point, still hadn’t properly digested the actual breakup itself and when you couple this with Dissertation stress and depression, you get a side of me that I had never seen before. The truth is, I became Mr. Hyde. I had dark thoughts and was an absolute monster to L. I treated him like crap and said things that I dare not repeat to anyone. In short, I was a purebred psychopath and no one was safe.
Back To Reality – Come August, I finally broke down and I told him everything about how I was feeling. I told him the mood swings were due to a lack of self-confidence and that I just hadn’t had a chance to breathe since we broke up. We agreed that I would move out at the end of the month, and I did. I apologised to him a week later and explained where I was during the whole thing. He graciously accepted my apologies and understood that it was difficult. I TOLD YOU HE WAS AMAZING!
What I learned – I learned a lot from this man. I learned to be happy with who I was because I was just a human being. I learned to think more scientifically about life matters, remembering to take out the emotion and then reapply it later. I learned to control my mood, my depression and my anxiety when everything was in chaos. I learned to take five minutes from a situation and breathe when everything around was suffocating me. I learned to embrace my sexuality, my nerdality and my own reality. I learned how to focus my attention on someone who was neither friend nor family member, but a lover. I learned to enjoy things around me, the things quite literally on my doorstep. I learned that despite everything we went through in the end, nothing can change our best moments, ones I can cherish as a friend. And I learned that Captain Kathryn Janeway is my favourite captain.
But in all seriousness, he taught me to be myself and to be grateful for the one I am with. He made me feel remarkable and he helped me to become better in mind and body. And that was his impact. And I say, to the man who has him now, I am so thankful he has someone he can share those things with. Someone he can share his limitless love with. I hope you cherish him deeply for everything that he is. And for goodness sakes, would you PLEASE get him that damned pug that he wants!!
The boyfriend number 2
History – Oh yes, J. My second boyfriend whom I met not long after I left Gloucestershire. This one plays on my mind a lot. There is a damage that has been caused and I can’t quite shake it off. I’ve battled through the highs and lows but at the end of it, he’s still there. He is, in fact, the reason I am writing this piece. And when you add the fact that his boyfriend stalks my social media with new accounts, it’s a headache just to focus. We had spoken previously but had lost contact. Then one fateful night, out of boredom, I decided to send him a text. And from there, a spark began. We met one day after I had finished working in his town and we went for a drink where I was in my nervous state and wouldn’t stop talking at a million miles a minute. We met again and again and before long we were more than just friends. Then, in January 2016, we made things official and began a relationship of pure lust and excitement. J was younger and, for lack of a better term, fitter. A kickboxing wrestler who worked at a gym. How on EARTH I bagged that I’ll never know (side note, we both got comfortable and put on weight, and the pettiness in me is happy about that because I’ve lost a load of that weight and he hasn’t. MOVING ON! We spent a lot of time together and even when I wanted my own time, he panicked and I felt guilty for leaving him. So I didn’t. Like I really didn’t leave except for work…
Breaking point – In November that year, after a couple of strained weeks and a heated argument, we met one evening where he told me that he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t be with me, or anyone, because at the time he felt “nothing”. He was numb. At the time I accepted this because I knew his history with mental health, but when I look back at the details, well, you’ll read in a minute…
Impact – So while one boyfriend had me glittered and spocking, this one had a strong interest in Call Of Duty, RuPaul’s Drag Race and WWE. I ended up blowing out zombie brains, learning to tongue pop and now keep my eyes firmly fixed on the world of WWE. Like my heart broke for both Nikki Bella and John Cena and I will be DAMNED if I don’t see Natalya win a championship again! I even went to a ringside show where I was fortunate enough to see some of the now bigger names in WWE live. Finn Balor is just… Yeah, you know what I’m thinking so I’ll just stop there.
On top of that, his parents were amazing. His father taught me to drive and was a real champion of my efforts. We would talk about the war, old TV shows, classic cars, DIY and gardening. Proper dad-son moments. His mother and I would bond over life, Say Yes To The Dress, fashion, makeup and family affairs – hers, not the TV Show. And to this day I miss them so bloody much. Whenever I perform a perfect parallel park I desperately wanna text J’s dad, and when I see a nice dress I wanna send a picture to J’s mum to let her know. But I can’t…
The Dark Side – So you know I mentioned there were details? Well, here’s the thing, before J and I made things official, he had kind of made a decision to get back with his ex. This ex being the one who once broke J’s finger and left him stranded in a field for hours on end crying while he was getting high, but that’s just the T. After I explained to J how I felt and how for a while I had begun to see him as more than a friend with benefits, he gave us a chance. And I know I know, alarm bells really should have been ringing but hey, I was young…ish. Now fast forward to the breakup and not 6 weeks later, J and, we’ll call him Bob, J and Bob were together for Christmas. I didn’t find this out until the following February when we went to see Bianca Del Rio, and boy did the dark side rule me that day. Oh, I tore him to shreds on how evil he was, how heartless and gutless he was and just what a spineless little man he really turned out to be.
Back To Reality – We met a week later and I collected the last of my stuff from his house. I gave him a letter to give to his parents where I explained my gratitude to them and how much I loved them. I sat in my car while J stood at my door and as I slowly wept, before the snot induced onslaught, I asked questions that had wracked my brain for days. Why did you go back to him? Why was he given a second chance? Why didn’t you want to fix us? Why did you lie to me? How could you go back to someone who hurt you and broke you down, when I gave up friends and a career for you? Y’know, the questions we all ask when a relationship ends.
What I learned – Don’t date a younger man. Don’t become second best. Don’t even become a sloppy second. Don’t forget yourself and who you are. Don’t lose sight of what you want. Don’t silence your happiness. Don’t bypass an opportunity in the name of “fun love”. Don’t ignore inconsistencies. Don’t let someone walk all over you, beat you down and turn you into someone you’re not. But don’t come out of it bitter because after reading this it’s quite easy to assume I’m bitter. But I’m not. I’m angry and I’m hurt, but the anger comes from the fact that Bob won’t leave me alone.
The boyfriend of 1 and 2
History – Me. You can read my blog to discover more about me but in relation to these two, well this is a new story. Before L, I was an overweight, depressed little homo who just didn’t know what his worth was or what life could be like. Before L, I believe that if I did find a man, that I only deserved to be in an abusive relationship. How messed up is that?! But during our time together I became a part of the person I am today and I started my weight loss. I gained control over my emotions and my depression became near non-existent. I realised my worth and knew what was my better.
Before J, I was rediscovering myself and the world around me and hadn’t quite had time to actually get over my breakup from L properly. I was lonely and in need of a friend, with no intentions of anything more committed. But life eh? During our time together there was a lot of fun. We had adventures and I got myself heavily involved in his world. It was simply young love.
Breaking point – During the breakups, I went through some phases that I’m thankful for the friends around me who kept me safe. With the break up from L, I went out drinking almost every night and committed a hotbed of sin left, right and center. With J, I got angry and drunk and was grateful that BeF was around to act as my voice of reason. But to this day I’m still hurt from him. There will always be those questions, y’know?
Impact – L has shown me how to love myself and respect the person I can be. The friendship we have is wonderful and I love him dearly for all he has done for me. My mental and physical health are all thanks to him and his impact on my life. And I pity those that couldn’t find a good friend like him from at least one of their ex-partners. We chat on occassion and we ask about our families and it’s just nice to know I have someone who knows me so well and who I can always talk to when times get too tough.
And then there’s J. To cut to the chase, I’m insecure, needy, paranoid, self-loathing, angry and quite frankly depressed. I believe he had little to no care for me towards the final few months. My love grows stronger for his mum and dad and I often fantasise about bumping into them and catching up. I can’t watch RPDR or read a piece of WWE without thinking about him. And to any man that requests more than just a chat, I instantly push him away for fear of being hurt at some point. And the Adonis-like men I’ve pushed away still haunts me to this day. What’s worse is the gay community sees this as “baggage” and “drama” they don’t wanna put up with. Cheers guys.
The Dark Side – I guess the darkness is inside of me. I guess I can’t quite get past what is deep-rooted in me. There’s something inside of me that just isn’t ready to move forward. Fear, jealousy, envy and pride all stand before me like guards protecting my mentality, my most fragile of possessions. I’m scared of losing a good friend if it goes wrong. I’m terrified of another man’s infidelity. I’m paralyzed by the thought that he would lie and deceive me. I’m far too panic-stricken to think about the positive “what ifs” that any hope of a connection just fizzles out like a damp squib. And right now, I need a spark.
One thing I do recall from both of them is that neither of them took a chance on my interests. In fact, I tried to have more of my interests and of my own identity and both of them didn’t want to participate. Back then, I didn’t want to do things alone and so my interests just got boxed away. I will fault L on one thing though. After our breakup, he took his new boyfriend rock climbing and to see Wicked, two things I so desperately wanted to do when we were together. Not going to lie, I was heartbroken. In fact, looking back on it now, I think that was what sparked the dark side. It was like a betrayal. That somehow my desires were merely worthless in comparison to his new companion. Alas, I forgave him, but I never forgot.
Back To Reality – At the moment I’m trying to focus on other areas. I want my body to be where it was before J, but after L, and I want my career to be something worth having. But a part of me is wondering, am I just using these as excuses to forget the other factors in my life that need tending? And have I pushed away the potential hopes that tried to lock down my Pandorian box?
What I learned – This is the first time I’ve ever written or thought about any of this like this. I often just let these thoughts run through my mind before I find something to occupy my time. As I read back through this I realised that at some point I was a smart, funny, caring, honest, lively and happy man. I peaked at a point when I was meant to be so low and overcame troubles during my hard times. I had help and guidance getting there but I made it in the end on my own merit. But then I let one person destroy that. I let someone ignore me, hurt me and beat me back down again. And after reflecting on this, I realise now that that person is me. My breakup from J was negative and it was painful. It changed my mentality and I let it. Ever since I’ve lashed out and pushed people away who have tried to care and men who’ve tried to connect. I’ve been overcome by depression and low self-esteem that I don’t even recognise myself. I’ve learned now that my own saboteur has pinned me down and submitted me to a part of their world of
The resolve – It’s time I take back some control of my life. My mind and my mental state have not been in place for some time now. My Twitter has glimpses of me and my Facebook has fizzled out to near death (and when I deactivate it soon, dead it shall be). In addition to that, my Instagram hasn’t a photo of me in FOREVER. The latter being the fact that I don’t like how I look right now. But in the real world, the place outside your screen, I’m not even me right now. I’m frustrated, I’m tired and I lack any self-confidence that I just can’t stop feeling less me.
Homo-hospice – I think I need to take a break from a lot of things. I need a break from men, a break from obsessing over losing weight, a break from thinking too much. I need to write more, for here and for my own mental health needs. I need to focus more on changing my life and removing the negative. I need to focus on getting that new job, on exuding a renewed confidence and focus on goals that will actually benefit me and my life and change it for the better. My most recent happiness was during a week off of work where I spent 3 days in Brighton with BeF and a weekend in Birmingham with a good friend. I was happy, at peace and thought about nothing but myself and my happiness. I need more of that in my life. I need to strive for more me
Thank you for reading and if you feel like you’re blocked off from life and happiness, from yourself, maybe you should think along these lines and see what you may have missed. I can honestly say this has been quite cathartic and has helped me to cleanse my mind, make sense of my goals and clarified my vision. I’ve removed those negatives from me and I’ve made them tangible. SO until next time, take care. Jimmy